Thoughts on Fatherhood

This is a extension of sorts from my last blog - As Father's Day Approaches

With Fathers Day upon us, I thought I’d recognize and give kudos to those fathers who’ve done things well. It’s a rare breed, who can raise a child in today world which will walk a path that gives honor to God and respect man. The truth is we cannot really know how well a job we have done until the grandchildren are raised. It is more than just raising our children to be responsible,well-mannered and reverent adults it is teaching them to raise their own children - your grandchildren into adults which show evidence of these traits themselves throughout their lives. That is the true test of our competence. 

When I look back at my attempt at fatherhood, I am often disappointed with many things at which I failed. Grant it some were just lack of understanding and insight(those I can live with) but others were just my own selfish priorities deciding what was important to my children’s development without listening or “reading”their hearts close enough to understand what they truly needed.  One needs to spend time in God’s word to learn what God has determined is best for our children. I cannot overemphasize this,study the book of proverbs - please.  God is their creator therefore He is completely and without question an expert in regard to their every need. Praise God, that he allows us to learn from our failures and if caught early enough those can be turned into extraordinary triumphs.

Too many fathers biggest priority is to see their children “happy.” Over the years I was often asked over a variety of circumstances regarding my kids, “How didit go, did your kids have a fun”, or “are they happy?” As a father my job has never been to make sure that my children were “happy.” Grant it, I loved for them to experience joy and to have fun, but Barbara and I have tried to do our best to raise them in a way that allows them to trust God and respect others solely on the fact that they (others) are created in the image of God regardless of the circumstances they find themselves in, and quite frankly some of those circumstances will not always be pleasant. This was not an easy task.I not surprisingly, I struggled and continue to do so more often than I care to admit. 

In my life there were the times when my temper was much too short, my listening too dull and my mouth too quick. Add to this a lack of patience to the already short time we fathers have with our children, and you can see how these weaknesses can quickly affect the outcome of our future father-son/father-daughter relationship. We did have fun and my children do have very many good memories and for that I am grateful, but I am more proud of who they have become, in spite of the fact they didn’t always enjoy “getting there.”

  

Someone once told me it’s not the amount of time you spend with your children, but the quality. I am here to say, that is a lie, a big lie. Children need both quality AND quantity. As a matter of fact quantity is more important than quality especially when they are really young. Better in my opinion to spend a full afternoon hanging out with your child doing nothing in particular but talking to them and being their “buddy” than to spend ½ hour late in the evening reading them a bedtime story. That is not to disregard the importance of the latter but to emphasize the value of the former.  In Duet. 11:18-20 God tells us to teach our children as we walk with them, when they lie down and when they get up. In my early parenting life there was too much time spent, working on my house, working overtime, trying to do the urgent, while often postponing or ignoring the important. Praise God my eyes were open early enough to realize that many things can wait, while my children can’t.

They will never forget the many, many road trips we took, purposely without DVD’s to“entertain them.” The trip itself WAS the entertainment. Instead we laughed,they played, we talked and we remember. On your outings don’t accept boredom, leave the Nintendo’s at home, remove the headphones from their ears and converse.Listen twice as much as you talk, read to them on the way, they’ll talk about these trips for the rest of their lives as wonderful memories.  Don’t be 5 individuals taking a trip, be a family taking one, experiencing the same thing as a family. And fathers don’t rush, we fathers always want to rush, half the fun is getting there, take your time, stop, rest, buy ice cream, lots and lots of ice cream.

My intent was not to preach, but to share what God has taught me through good fathers before me. Yet I realize as I said earlier, I will not know how successful I was until my grandchildren are speaking words that edify me or cause me shame, that make me proud or cause me grief.  With that I salute those fathers out there who can say in their heart “I’ve made every effort.”

To all of you who have been an example to me. I thank you. Thank you for teaching me to raise children who fear God and acknowledge His holiness. Thank you for telling me to tell my children that I love them – to their face & for teaching them to respond likewise. Thank you for reminding me to hug my children,whether they like it or not.  Thank you for teaching me that a father is not one who became one through the birth of a child, but by the proper raising of that child.

I would like to encourage some fathers who may feel they’ve fallen short, (as I have many, many times) by sharing some of what I’ve learned.

Young fathers, embrace your children, not just physically (although, yes that too) but emotionally. Refrain from telling your son to “man up” instead show him how to be a man. How to love their mother, how to properly show affection, How to treat a lady. How to speak without vulgarity. Teach him that lying is wrong, but do it by example. Teach him to stand for older people, to open doors for them, to show honor to all. Tell him that you want him to be wise and that the fear of God is the beginning of wisdom. Prov 9:10 I know that some of us may need a refresher course ourselves,therefore take one, sort of speak, by making yourself accountable to someone.We as parents, particularly as fathers are responsible for this next generation. Your children, particularly you son’s are your personal responsibility. 

To middle age fathers,acknowledge your shortcomings. Swallow your pride and ask your children for forgiveness as needed. Some of you may say – “I can never do that” That’s fine,then live with the consequences. To all who willing to, you will find your children for the most part will be more than willing to let you into their lives,- although somewhat slowly. But the relationship will begin to heal and strengthen.You will find acceptance where you now find withdrawal. You will find communication where you now find silence, and smiles where you now find stares.

To older fathers, since I am not there yet, all I can only recommend from my reading and observations. Love unconditionally and tell them, realize your time is limited, spend it wisely, love unconditionally and tell them, don’t let old unimportant past mistakes ruin the most precious gift God gave you and love unconditionally and tell them. Reach out while they are reachable. Hug them, while you’re huggable.

Enjoy your Father’s Day!

As Fathers Day Approaches

Last month my 23 year old son and I took a quick road trip. We were headed to the Grand Canyon, but never made it past Hoover dam. That’s ok, as my goal was just to spend some time with him and it didn’t matter where we went. We did stay away from Las Vegas though (except for a visit to a vintage guitar shop) as that would have defeated my goal and made our trip a visit to deception.

It was important for me to just spend time with him. This is becoming more and more difficult to do as most parents of young adult children I’m sure are aware.  What happen, when did we stop spending time together, not just him and I but when did families get so busy that they needed a calendar? It’s easy when they’re young, they were always home, they wait for us. But is it that they get busy and stop spending time with us or that they just realize that we don’t really have time for them?

I could go on about women’s liberation and feminism, and the assault on the family that it has brought, but many women would most likely be offended, and I would be labeled a male chauvinistic pig even though I believe that women have taken on a role reserved for men because men have failed. So I will focus on the men and male irresponsibility and male liberation.

Scripture tells us the man is the head of the household, the leader, the one responsible for the success (or failure) of his household and his marriage. Regardless of what your wife or children do, God holds the man responsible. Now this is not to undermine or by any means diminish the role that a woman plays in a home, as it is quite significant, I do not mean bring them down a notch, as much as I believe men just need to step up a notch.

Unfortunately many homes are run by women; they make the majority of the decisions concerning family matters, business matters, children matters, etc. Why? Because men don’t step up. Men have created a world outside the home. At the very cost of the family and often everyone involved.

Where are the strong husbands, the leaders, the fathers? They have developed their own agendas, their own goals; they follow their own desires strongly active in their world of business, while ignoring the home.  They work hard, making decisions, pursing deals, making money, while in the home, they are often passive, indifferent and negligent, leaving much to the wife they claim to support. How can we build a nation of strong leaders when the very backbone of that nation – the family, has been left without the very leader it one day hopes to emulate?

In his book “Where’s Dad? Weldon Hardenbrook wrote:

I humbly but firmly submit that the soul of our nation is in crisis in large part because American men have — from ignorance and for various and sometimes even subconscious reasons — abandoned their God-given role of fatherhood. They have discarded the notion of being responsible for the physical and spiritual well-being of those around them.

A series of historical events, beginning at the Industrial Revolution, traversing the search for American independence and the Second Great Awakening, and culminating in Victorianism, has had the net result of disestablishing American men from a true role of fatherhood and moral leadership in our land. The American male, at one time the ever present guide of the close-knit colonial family, left his family for the factory and the materialistic lure that the Industrial Revolution brought. The most numerous and most active members of the church, the men — who commonly debated theology in the colonial marketplace — were, in time, to be found arguing business practices in the tavern. The fathers who labored hard to instill the value of cooperation in their offspring, in time gave their children the example of unlimited individual competition. Men who once taught their children respect and obedience toward godly authority came to act as though independence were a national virtue. Men who once had an active hand in the education of their sons relegated this responsibility to a public school system dominated by female teachers and feminine learning patterns. Once the leaders of social progress, American men came to look on social reform and mercy movements as women’s work and, in time, became themselves the objects of that social reform, in the case of movements such as the Women’s Christian Temperance Union.

Over the course of 150 years, from the mid-eighteenth century to the end of the nineteenth century, American men walked out on their God-given responsibility for moral and spiritual leadership in the homes, schools, and Sunday schools of the nation. As sociologist Lawrence Fuchs notes, “The groundwork for the 20th-century fatherless home was set. By the end of the 19th century for the first time it was socially and morally acceptable for men not to be involved with their families.”

All that I have mentioned above, I too am guilty of. Often times I find myself coming home from work  at which time I consider it the end of my day, while my wife comes home only to continue in her toil until long after I am asleep. 1Pet. 3:7 tells us to live with our wives, to grant them honor, we should understand them, consider her needs and desires. This is often the opposite of what we as men do. We look for our own needs, our own desires; we look out for number 1 which we falsely believe is us. This we teach to our sons and so the cycle continues.

Now What?

We as fathers need to understand that our family does not need for us to pursue “The American Dream” at all cost. Because that cost is just too high. We need to just be dad and let mom be mom. We need to take a step back and determine what is important; I think we’ll find that has very little to do with wealth, business, or desires and more to do with the little kids clamoring for your attention.

Come back this weekend, as I salute those fathers who have done things well and been an example to me. Let’s learn from them so we may teach those that follow us.

Change

I’ve been struggling to write these last couple of weeks. I’ve started a couple of post but did not feel let to publish them, at least not now. My mind has been pre occupied with my girls who are gone for the summer. Not that it’s a bad thing, just different. I’m use to summer afternoons with them, to coming home and they being there, to planning our summer vacation with their input.  That’s not happening this year, so it’s just different.

I’ve actually always been one to embrace change, believing that life is not static so why should we covet that. Unfortunately change brings fear in many peoples’ lives, and who wants that. But God has not given us a spirit of timidity, but of power and love and discipline. 2Tim 1:7  Also many of us do not like change because it disrupts and affects our lives. We believe or incorrectly assume that we know what is best in regards to the future. In Matt 16:21-23 Peter rebuked Jesus, when Jesus told him what was about to happen.

When my kids started driving there was a constant concern which I’m sure many of you parents can surely relate. That is to be expected, but at some point I needed to give that up. I believe it was my feeble attempt to hold on to some sort of control. But the reality is we have no such control, and the sooner we realize that the better.

So next time someone cuts you off, or says something stupid to you, react as God would have you and relish the peace that comes with it.  Believe me, this is extremely difficult, I struggle with this quite a bit, but when successful, it’s quite calming.